Wake up, America! Your childhood dreams have come true. The futuristic world depicted in the science fiction of your younger years is finally here.
The bad news? I’m not talking about hover boards and time traveling cars, nor light sabers and shrinking rays. I’m talking about the prophetic words of writers Mike Judge and Etan Cohen, who never expected their brilliant American satire to become a full-blown documentary.
Alas, my fellow millennials: ten years to the date, and the day is upon us.
Here is my flash list of the 13 prominent issues portrayed in the film that have most regrettably come true.
1) The Rapid Deterioration of the English Language
“…the English language had deteriorated into a hybrid of hillbilly, valleygirl, inner-city slang and various grunts. Joe was able to understand them, but when he spoke in an ordinary voice he sounded pompous and faggy to them…”
From new slang that just seems to flow freely out of people’s asses on a daily basis, to the misuse of words like literally, or irregardless, and the ‘ever-so-confusing’ battle of the you’re/your. Word by word, and trend by trend, we are constantly eroding the English language to unsalvageable ruins.
“Well, don’t want to sound like a dick or nothin’, but, ah… it says on your chart that you’re fucked up. Ah, you talk like a fag, and your shit’s all retarded. What I’d do, is just like… like… you know, like, you know what I mean, like…”
In grade school we beat up the nerds, geeks, and dorks, because they’re smart and sometimes into other things besides sports, and that’s just not cool.
In college, we skip class, cram the night before to get by, and soon purge all the new information along with the caffeine and Adderall we temporarily replaced our blood with. All because we had better things to do like kill our brain cells and try to fuck. ‘Cause #YOLO.
In the office, we scoff at the snobby and condescending soul that attempts to speak about anything remotely relevant outside of E! or Kardashian ass because, God forbid, people might disagree with each other, someone might get offended, and we’ll have to call HR. Plus, global warming isn’t real anyway, so why bother?
Let’s face it, being intelligent and cultured has simply gone out of style.
3) Kids Having Kids
“Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence. With no natural predators to thin the herd, it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most, and left the intelligent to become an endangered species.”
I know I’m probably going to get a lot of shit for this one, but it’s true, and we all know it, so don’t. There are way too many kids having kids. And by kids I mean stumbling 20-somethings who truly believe they know what they’re doing, and think they are ready to put their lives on virtual hold to make room for a whole other human being. Whether planned or unplanned, pregnancies in the early 20’s cut the parent’s education, career, and personal development short, often leading to lower combined income families, and less stable households.
Hosting the second and final growth spurt of the human brain, the twenties are the single most developmental decade of the adult life, and it should be used to develop ourselves to our fullest potential so that we may be able to raise other human beings to reach theirs.
And then there’s teen pregnancies, which more often than not (there is an exception to every rule, I am aware) are the result of poor parenting, neglect, and/or other types of abuse, and general ignorance. Why were their parents so unfit to be parents in the first place? And the cycle continues.
When it comes to babies, early 20’s parents have become the new teen parents.
4) The Business of Health Care
“Alright, so that will be… [five billion] dollars…”
Unless you are one of the chosen few and are still on your parents’ insurance, or managed to land a kick-ass job with sweet, sweet benefits that include medical, dental, AND vision (holy shit, your job must be fancy! Lucky you!), chances are you are uninsured, or paying an obscene amount of money to get a half-assed check up a year. And if you’re REALLY lucky, you can even get your test results over the phone instead of having to pay another $90 co-pay after a $730 x-ray for your doctor to tell you that you are just gassy, and the spot on the film was just some, ehem… waste your body was having a hard time expelling.
Here’s some chocolate. Schedule a follow up. See ya soon, kid.
5) Gun Control
America’s Gun Violence Rap Sheet for 2015:
– 372 Mass Shootings
– 64 school shootings
– 13, 286 people killed (excluding suicides)
– 26, 819 injured
The bottom line is that the right to own a gun does not mean that everyone should own a gun. But this is America, the land of the free.
But what does that freedom mean to those robbed of their loved ones? To those robbed of their friends? Their children? Their families? Their lives.
Where’s the freedom when you’re standing on the other side of the gun?
Yet here we are.
6) ‘Blind’ Justice System
“In the future, justice was not only blind, but had become rather retarded as well…”
We only need to skim tabloids (and I mean tabloids) to catch a glimpse of the latest development on the current national scandal. The media sensationalises legal battles to capitalize, while the justice system sides with money and power at the expense of people’s safety, dignity, and lives.
The shooting of Michael Brown, Dr. Luke Vs. Kesha, Ethan Couch’s case for ‘Affluenza’.
Shall I go on?
7) The US Federal Government Shutdown of 2013
“Do you really want to live in a world where you’re trying to blow up the only person that’s trying to help you?”
Remember that one time when America closed because a bunch of old white guys weren’t getting their way?
8) Conglomerates and the Media
Are you sure you know where you’re going?”
“Yeah, I know this place pretty good. I went to law school here.”
“At Costco… ?”
Would you believe me if I told you that behind the billboards and price tags, there are roughly 230 big shots who decide what you watch, eat, drink, wear, buy, and even look at everyday? Well, it’s true. There are 232 executives in the United States that control the information repertoire available to you on a daily basis. And they all work for the big six. The six conglomerates that produce, advertise, and sell virtually everything around you: GE, Newscom, Disney, Viacom, Time Warner, and CBS.
Products, and inflation, and the illusion of choice! Oh, my!
“At Costco… ?”
“… yeah, I couldn’t believe it myself. Luckily my dad was an alumnus and he pulled some strings.”
Albeit, not a new concept by any stretch of the imagination, privilege has become not only a reality, but anecessity to those who wish to ‘be accomplished’ or ‘get ahead’ in the home of the brave. While Mark busted his ass in school, got the best grades possible, and worked two jobs to put himself through, Susie spent her nights partying, living life, and doing the bare minimum while daddy footed the bill for her tuition. Come graduation, Mark has an impressive GPA, but due to his lack of experience, will spend the next five years at entry level jobs, with entry level pay (if he’s lucky), and stressing over how to pay his student loans. Meanwhile, because Susie’s dad knows a guy who made a call, she graduated with a great job offer at Well Known Co., and will only continue to grow her career from there. Oh, yeah, while daddy pays her rent as she ‘gets acclimated to the real world’.
‘It’s not what you know, it’s who you know’.
Those words have never rang more true.
10) The Broken Economy
“We definitely need to fix the ecomony… err… ec… economy.”
Basically, America has been fiscally waist-training; the poverty-stricken group at the bottom is Kim Kardashian’s ass, the top are Natalie Portman’s itty bitties, and the middle class is Wasp Woman’s shrinking waist.
11) The Fusion of Anti-rationalism and Anti-intellectualism
“Dumb, angry mobs took to the streets, rioting and looting, and screaming for Joe’s head.”
Take for instance, the case of #alllivesmatter as a response to #blacklivesmatter. All lives matter as a phrase on its own states the obvious; it’s like saying “the grass is green”, or “ice is cold”. However, when used as a response to “black lives matter”, it’s undermining the intention and importance of the latter. ‘Black lives matter’ does not suggest that nobody else’s lives matter. It is simply addressing a serious issue that is plaguing the African American community which isn’t happening in others. The grand majority of ‘all lives matter’ advocates seem to have completely missed the point of the entire issue, and somehow created the false notion that #blacklivesmatter is blatant reverse racism.
We don’t just love to be ignorant, we also spew ignorance, loud and proud.
13) “I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created!”
Who said it???
(I’ll give you a hint: It was Trump. Trump said that.)